I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I need to stop coming to work sober
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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