Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
