I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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