I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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