just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
