I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
