There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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