Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
