sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
