I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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