I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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