I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
