non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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