...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
