I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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