Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
