If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
