Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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