You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
