she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
