Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
