i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
