rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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