your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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