how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
