they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Panties = found
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
