saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
