Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
