hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
