pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
