I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
