I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
