fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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