I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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