Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize