Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
