My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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