I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Houston, we have a blender
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
