my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
