she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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