just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
