Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
