Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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