So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This is the high leading the old right now
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
