He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
