11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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