She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
