those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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