"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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