the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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