Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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