i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
