So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
