kristin has been a bad kristin
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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