ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
