Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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