I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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