wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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