I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We talked him into tasing himself.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
