I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
its not stalking. its research.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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