I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
