so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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